I CAN Predict the Future (sometimes....)

Katie, the difficult child, screaming- Mommy! Claire spit on my pizza! She licked her finger and touched my food!

Me- I guarantee it won't be the only time someone spits on your food.

Mean Girls

Claire's birthday is coming up. She will be nine this year. Birthdays are pretty exciting for the girls and they start planning weeks in advance.

Claire- I'm going to invite Turner and Hannah to my birthday party. For revenge.

Me- Huh? What kind of revenge?

Claire- The kind you can't prove.

Me, talking to Claire- You know, it's never a good idea to start a conversation with "Look what I found in my nose."

Just a Little Misunderstanding

A few days ago I had an appointment with my gynecologist. I am still having some trouble driving since the surgery on my right knee. I asked my teenage son, N., to drive me. N. didn’t ask any questions and I directed him to the doctor’s office. He waited patiently in the waiting room with the baby. I didn’t volunteer what kind of doctor that I was seeing but I kind of thought that it might be obvious, what with all the pregnant women.

When we left the office N. questioned me about my visit.

N.-“So, what did the doctor say?”
Me, caught off guard- “Huh?”
N.-“Well, how’s it doing?”
Me- “How’s what doing?”
N.-“Your knee, how’s it look?”
Me-“Oh, that. It looks fine.”

I had a hard time not laughing the entire time I was in the doctor’s office because all I could think of was ‘pajinas’. By the way, I spelled ‘pajina’ phonetically to make it obvious how it’s pronounced. Everyone knows that pajina is actually supposed to be spelled with a ‘g’.

I have another follow-up with the orthopedic surgeon today. N. is going with me. I guess I’ll have to make up a story about this being a different knee specialist….

Wish me luck. I'm afraid today is the day for some scary injections into the joint.

Grade School Politics

The last few days, Claire and Katie have been talking about voting and the election. Since we live in a conservative area, most of what they have been hearing is the name John McCain. Katie informed me that she was voting McCain. Claire hadn’t made up her mind mostly because she couldn’t remember the other guy’s name.

Claire told me on Monday that her teacher said that John McCain was going to be our next president. I just told her that I was sorry, but her teacher was wrong. There was a lot of discussion among the 2nd and 3rd graders at Claire’s school the day after the election. Claire came home with a lot of concerns.

Claire- “Barack Obama is going to take away Christmas.”

Me- “Claire, that is ridiculous. Where did you hear that?”

Claire- “From a 3rd grader, so it’s true.”

Me- “Claire, that is not true. Barack Obama is a dad and he’s nice. Even if he could take away Christmas, he wouldn’t.”

Claire- “Well, I heard it from a 3rd grader! And she said he’s not smart.”

Me- “He went to Harvard and not just Harvard. He went to law school at Harvard. It’s the best place to go to college and they only let really smart people go there.”

Claire- “I heard that he’s not smart and he blows up buildings and then people don’t have a place to live.”

Me- “That is not true. Don’t you think I know more than a 3rd grader?”

Claire- “No.”

The most disturbing thing she said was that Obama won’t be president for long. She was told that someone would kill him.

I am disgusted that parents would discuss such things either with or in front of their children. I think it’s great to talk about the election process and who the candidates are but that should be the end of it. The overwhelming interest among grade-school children in this particular election makes me uneasy. Even among this age group, some of it reeks of racism.

I think it would be appropriate for the schools to discuss the new president and address the concerns of the kids. Clearly there is misinformation being conveyed in some of the homes that is then being passed on to all of our children. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only parent that does not want children being exposed to ignorance and hatred.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With It

My friend Andrea is in the process of moving to the town that I live in. Last weekend Andrea needed some more cleaning supplies from the store. We headed out in her car, which can be risky since she is a big-time tailgater. We were coming up to an intersection when the light turned yellow, which in turn caused Andrea to attempt to launch me through the windshield.

I turned to give her a dirty look and Andrea shrugged.
Andrea- “I don’t like running red lights.”
Me- “Do you like getting rear-ended?”
Andrea just gave me a blank look.
Me- “I guess it depends on who’s asking.”
The blank look was replaced be a dirty look of her own.

We managed to make it to the local discount store and shopped for stuff for Andrea’s new house. I was standing in line behind Andrea holding her shelf paper when the checker began ringing her stuff up. He looked at us and asked, “Will this be all together?” It was obvious at that point that he must have thought that we were a couple. We thought that was kind of funny.

The thing is that I already promised to help caulk her tub. Really.

And all This Time I Never Once Suspected That my Parents Were Related, I Was Just Kind of Hoping That I Wasn’t Related to THEM

I have a designer working on a new banner for my blog. The problem is that I need a tag line and no one (including me) has come up with anything funny. I was asking my mom to come up with some ideas and of course, she was immediately on board with the brainstorming.

Mom- "How about 'This is What Happens When You Marry Your First Cousin'?"

Me- "Ok, but that's not funny. That's just kind of gross."

Mom- "No, it just kind of explains why everybody’s nutty."

Me- "Is there something you need to tell me?"

So, if anyone has any suggestions that are better than that, please email them. I'm getting desperate here...

What Kind of Monster Does She Think I Am?

Today I had the baby in the bathroom with me while I took a bath. Unfortunately, she was not the only member of the audience. There was also a cricket waiting patiently to hop at me given half a chance. The baby is not a big fan of the insect world so she gave the cricket a wide berth.

Her sisters have pointed out crickets to her and they think it’s funny when she points and says “Ewww! Ewww!” Of course, I think it’s funny as well. She doesn’t act like she is merely repeating her sisters; she seems to be truly offended by the presence of the crickets.

So if I know there is a cricket in the house, I will ask her where the bug is. Then she’ll point, say “Eww!” and generally avoid going anywhere near it. So then I might ask her if she wants to get the bug. Of course she’s horrified at the notion and she’ll say “No!”

After my bath, I was in the kitchen with the baby, fixing her bottle. She was standing a few feet away, bending over by something on the floor. I walked over to see what she had found and it was a cricket. It was on its back and not moving. I think that must have been the reason that the baby didn’t immediately recognize it. I grabbed the flyswatter and all of a sudden it came back to life. The baby stood way back as I escorted, via flyswatter, the cricket out the back door.

After feeding the baby lunch, I cut up a brownie and put it in a bowl for her. She’s generally a fan of anything sweet so I thought she would like it. I didn’t even give any thought to the fact that she had never had a brownie before. I set the bowl on a rug where she likes to sit and eat snacks.

Me- “Look Baby, it’s a brownie for you. It’s good.”
Baby, looks in bowl, chuckles and refuses to get near it again.
Me- “Come eat your brownie. It’s good.”
Baby- “No!” She was also eyeing the bowl with suspicion.

That’s when I realized what was going on. The baby thought I was giving her a bowl full of crickets.

My Mom, the Entomologist

I started my day off with a load of laundry. Normally that’s non-eventful but today I was barefoot and it’s cricket season. There is nothing that crickets like better than hiding in a pile of dirty laundry. You’d think that at some point I would remember that but no. The baby was standing on the back porch watching me as I threw stuff in the washer. Then, out of nowhere, a cricket hopped directly on top of my bare foot. I started screaming and shaking my foot. The baby thought it was a new game and she started shrieking and laughing.

A little later I walked into the kitchen and saw something on the floor. I looked closer and discovered that it was a big, nasty cricket leg.

I was talking to my mom and complaining about the crickets. I told her about the cricket on my foot and the lone leg. It was like a scene from an insect horror movie.

Me- “It was just the leg. How does that happen? I mean, where is the rest of the cricket?”

Mom- “I don’t know. Did you know that when crickets have sex they rub their back legs together? Maybe the sex got a little rough.”

Lynne Resists Technology

My sister had the ADT guy over today to give her a quote on an alarm system. He was going over all the different types of equipment that they had available for their systems.


ADT guy- “We have keypads or you can even have the kind of controller that you talk to.”

Lynne- “I can’t even figure out how to talk to my phone. I sure as hell don’t need something electronic in my wall talking to me and I DON’T EVEN WANT TO EXPLAIN THAT ONE.”

What follows is a recent conversation that really took place between two friends of mine.

Ann speaking to Dave : You know, your teeth are looking pretty white. Have you been bleaching?
Dave: Well, no. I’ve been brushing with Ajax.
Ann: WHAT??
Dave: Well, I heard that that makes them whiter. It works on bathrooms.
Ann: Well yeah. But your mouth isn’t exactly a toilet. Who told you to do that?
Dave: Wes.
Ann: You took advice from a CRACKHEAD???