Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The One Where My Mom Could Have Been Arrested

I wrote recently about the visit from my family. Here is the rest of the story as promised (or threatened, take your pick).

When I saw my parents drive up, I went to the back porch to open the door for them. The girls ran out the door, all excited about the visit. I elected to wait inside the house, on the back porch due to the hornets that had been hanging around. It took longer than it should have for everyone to climb out of my dad’s little convertible. I was growing a bit impatient waiting with the baby on my hip. I then noticed a couple of flies bouncing around by one of the windows. I picked up the flyswatter and started whacking. I paused briefly with the baby perched on my hip, still armed with the flyswatter, realizing that I had officially entered into white-trash territory. What better way to start off a visit with the family?

After everyone had dinner and settled in, we went outside to enjoy the cool evening air. Initially it was just my mom, my sister and I, but my dad soon followed behind. He does not like to feel left out. Despite the fact that he had been sound asleep in a chair inside the house, he felt compelled to relocate to a chair outside the house to make sure he didn’t miss anything. He immediately fell asleep in his lawn chair, slumped over and snoring. He would wake up every now and then with no warning, mutter something and drop back off again. It WAS irritating, because we had to filter what we said in front of him and it just wasn’t as much fun.

We got into ‘the groceries’ and things livened up pretty quickly. My mom rarely drinks but when she does she is hilarious. In fact, the last time I saw her drink, she had a total of one beer. After drinking that ONE beer, she then proceeded to tell my ex-husband, “You’re so handsome.” Then she drank out of the ashtray.

So back to current events, Lynne started talking about a guy she has an interest in dating.

Lynne- “I would like to get LAID sometime. What’s wrong with that for Christ’s sake?”

That was the point that my dad started stirring in his chair and it was obvious to everyone that he had heard Lynne. That in turn set my mom off in a fit of giggles, due to my dad’s prudish nature. We continued drinking beer and laughing, while he continued snoring/listening. Then Lynne decided that she had to go to the bathroom at the same time my mom felt the need. Lynne, being the younger and faster of the two, was already IN the bathroom before my mom made her way out of her chair. She had no intention of walking to the second floor bathroom due to her bad knees or general drunkenness. Therefore she did what any rational 64 year-old would have done. She went and peed in my yard.

Everyone in the house had heard the news about my mom peeing in the yard. At one point William asked me if it was true. He didn’t believe Claire and Katie when they told him. I confirmed that she had indeed, well, peed.

William- “OH MY GOD! Grandma PEED in the yard? That’s disgusting!”
The next evening everyone got ready for bed a little earlier, still tired from staying up late the night before. My mom walked into the living room wearing her pajamas. Claire looked at her a little surprised to see her in pajamas.

Claire- “So, where did you change? Behind a tree?”


Mia said...

Gotta love that kid *grin*

And tell your mom not to feel bad.. I've peed in my yard before too :)

J. said...

That is TOO funny!! My mother is EXACTLY the same way. She has no shame or sense of propriety at all, maybe it's an age thing. I guess beyond a certain point, you just say, WTF?
And Claire is wicked perceptive.

S said...

My mom has 18 secluded acres nestled in the woods, so it is not uncommon for us to pee outside. Sometimes it's just a hastle to go all the way back into the house (up a few stairs and through a few doors). #2 is an inside deal though.