The Politics of Wet Pants

I realized today that a great deal of my time is spent much like that of a cop with entirely too many calls to the scenes of domestic disputes. I am constantly forced to distinguish between the victim and the perpetrator of the crime. Going over the crime scene, collecting evidence, taking statements. Then examining injuries in a quick triage fashion.

Katie, screaming- “MOMMY! CLAIRE KICKED ME IN THE FACE!”


Claire, also screaming- “NO, I DIDN’T! SHE’S LYING! KATIE SPITTED ON ME!”

Since they are both screaming, angry and occasionally downright indignant at the other’s accusations, determining the ‘perp’ can be a challenge. Sometimes I will send them both to their beds with the thought that they are equally guilty. I mean, which one was more deserving of punishment, the kicker or the spitter? Figuring out which one is lying is just WAY too much work. From what I hear that’s just how justice works sometimes. And that you can buy it but since these two have no money, that’s just not really an option.

Yesterday I elected to take everyone with me to an appointment. That meant that William had to watch Claire and Katie in a waiting room and I had the baby with me. William was not happy about this and was not as nice to his sisters as he should have been. Katie had to go to the bathroom and he told her to just wait. By the time I came out, she had already had an accident. Then, as soon as we got in the car she announced that she had just accidentally peed again. I was disgusted that William wouldn’t just let her go to the bathroom. I told Katie that it wasn’t a big deal.

Today I took the girls to run errands with me. As we were getting in the car Katie abruptly changed her mind on where she was going to sit.

Katie- “Claire! You go to that side and I’m sitting over here.”

Claire just looked at her and walked around the car without commenting. It was nice that they didn’t fight about the change in seating arrangements. Everything was nice and calm, just the way I like it. Then Claire started yelling from the back.

Claire- “Oh, no. OH, MY GOD, MY PANTS ARE ALL WET! WITH KATIE’S PEE! KATIE!”

Me- Katie, you knew that was going to happen, didn’t you? That’s why you wanted to change seats, wasn’t it?”

Katie, snickering- “Yes.”

Sometimes it’s easy to tell the victim from the ‘perp’. In this case it was Claire’s wet pants that cried out “victim”. I probably should have punished Katie for that but I don’t know. There was just something about the way she carefully laid her trap and then just sat there quietly waiting for things to happen. She was just so...…..patient.

I really think she might have a future in politics.