Sunday, April 12, 2009

Naked Babies are Trouble

I have been a bad blogger. I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know, but if it makes you feel any better just be assured that I do feel guilty about it. It’s kind of like when Grandma is in the nursing home and you don’t visit for a while. Then you feel guilty for not visiting and stay away even longer. And then Grandm's dead and you're pretty much off the hook for visiting anyway.

Marin has been a handful lately; which is one of my excuses, I mean reasons, for not updating more regularly. She has learned to take her clothes off and practices this skill daily. When I put her down for a nap, she immediately busies herself in the task of throwing every stitch of clothing over the side of her crib. I am almost always greeted by a naked baby after her nap-time.

As you might imagine, this is less than ideal for the obvious reason that babies are not potty trained. There are many days that this behavior necessitates multiple bedding changes. Sometimes she is thoughtful enough to strip her bedding and toss that over the side as well, it’s just not always prior to an offensive incident.

I have tried everything I can think of to keep her from getting her clothes and bedding off. She is just determined and nothing less than constant supervision seems to work. I have resigned myself to extra laundry and just possibly lost some of my will to live. Anyone that has had a baby knows about the nightmare of changing the crib bedding.

I have a lot of crib sheets from Target since they have cute stuff from Amy Coe. I found some stretchy flannel sheets years ago that are the easiest sheets ever to fit on a crib mattress. I have never seen them since. The stretchy sheets are wearing out but I use them anyway. I have devised a system of putting a regular crib sheet on first, then the mattress pad followed by the flannel sheet. This way Marin has so many layers that there is at least a possibility she won’t wake up naked on a bare mattress, crack house style.

The regular crib sheet has proven to be an almost impenetrable layer between the baby and the mattress. The problem is when it requires changing. I think the only mother that could quickly and easily replace a regular crib sheet would be a female body builder. And I don’t think they even ovulate, let alone baby-sit. So I find myself sweating and swearing while struggling to provide the baby with fresh bedding, mentally composing a letter to Amy Coe.

Dear Amy Coe,

I love your baby bedding with all the cute patterns and flowers. I continue to peruse the aisles at Target and get lured into making a purchase. You hooked me that one time that I got home and discovered the stretchy crib sheets. I keep thinking that it’s going to be like that again but it’s just not. My one suggestion is that if you are going to branch out of stretchy into non-stretchy (and less forgiving) fabrics you just might need to measure a fucking crib because they don’t fucking fit.

The fact that I can remember the almost impossible task of changing crib sheets for Claire when I was nine months pregnant with Katie doesn’t do anything to improve my attitude towards Amy Coe. It’s a miracle that kid ever got clean sheets.


bernthis said...

I couldn't wait to get P. out of her crib. I am only 5 foot three and it was impossible to change those fucking things.

Sass said...

For what it's worth, I've not been a great commentor lately, either.

And today I'm getting my friend's baby to start watching full-time.


Is it wrong that I'm terrified?

Like...abso-freaking-lutely terrified?

Noah's Mommy said...

oh god...another stage I have to not-look forward too...and nice letter to amy Coe....I had to figure out something with mine...cause you are right...they don't fit.

Stacie said...

Oh Lisa, your blog posts kill me.

Your daughter sounds like a serious riot. I'm sure it's not alaways that way for you, ya know, being the one to have to change bedding constantly.

Thank you for sharing with us!

Karen (KayKay) said...

I hated changing crib sheets - hated it! If you haven't already - may I suggest that you never, ever get bunk beds. They are just as bad and a lot higher.

Skye said...

I had no idea our one stretchy crib sheet was so rare and precious. But yes, I love it because it is so easy to put on the mattress in the dark at 3am while a toddler in new jammies after a diaper leak is sitting in the rocking chair screaming MILK MILK MILK.

By "easy" of course I mean "I don't have to worry about breaking more than one finger."

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear God.

I'm sorry. Naked babies at inappropriate times is the worst. Good luck.

(And blog land is pretty forgiving. We'll all be here when you're ready.)

Sarah @ said...

I can't tell you how often I've wondered about that. My SIL has the same sheets and whenever I help out to change the baby's crib sheets, I'm all "what the hell, man?"

It's not like crib dimensions change every day.

kel said...

Oh my god... please send that letter.

Jamie said...

First off, those suckers shrink up a lot. The target brand in particular. Second, I have a child who delights in stripping as well. She's 2.5, though, and while not potty trained will at least stay dry during nap time. I'd suggest duct tape, but the old school people (grandmas) say backwards overalls work pretty good too. At least for nap time. backwards pjs might work too. ;o)

Missives From Suburbia said...

I think this is why we finally opted to co-sleep with Baby #1. It's easier to change the sheets on a king-sized bed than the ones on a crib.

Have you tried duct tape? I have a friend who swears that if she duct tapes over the child's zippers/snaps, and the diaper, they cannot get out. (I don't have this issue, since my kid refuses to take his clothes off, EVER.)

Just found you. Loved this post. Will be back for more!

Robin Costello (Delswife) said...

Here's a tip from an "old" mom.

Buy the footy, zip up jammies and cut the footy's off them. Put them on the child backwards (so the zipper is in the back).

No more nakie baby.

I remember hating crib sheets to death. I bought twin bed sheets and super tucked them under the mattress. It's more of a job for the little ones to pull the bed apart.

I agree about bunk beds too. Hate those as much as cribs.

Bulldog said...

We still call our oldest son, now a practising physician, "The Wall Painter" for similar reasons.

Julia said...

That was laugh out loud funny. Thanks I needed it. I have one easy sheet and its organic by accident. But it sure fits right. Go figure.